Sitting with "Big Daddy"

Who needs a church when you have the canopy of a tree...

I sit outside at my monthly silent writing retreat, looking out at “Big Daddy”, a name I have given the huge oak tree on the back rock patio of the 26-acre spiritual retreat sanctuary, featuring a labyrinth, a running creek, shaded hiking trails, and nature-focused rest. I had never noticed how huge and magnificent this tree is!! Out of it’s main massive trunk sprouts five to six large branches that could easily be enormous trees on their own. It’s canopy spreads easily 35 feet wide, must be at least 21 feet tall, and the trunk must be eight to ten feet in circumference. How old it must be, I have no idea but I sense it is like a wise, elder who has stood proudly providing comfort and protection for many who have been graced by its presence.

Allyson just came gracefully ambling up the dirt road that leads down to the running creek in her cute blue spring dress, a large, brimmed hat protecting her sweet face, carrying foliage for her collage art, I imagine. Some of us write, some make art, and some just sit.

Then Nathalie walks out from the back door, standing tall as she surveys the warm day with the blue sky overhead, not even a cloud in sight. She, too, takes notice of “Big Daddy” and takes the time to take pictures of this fabulous specimen, walking around it taking photo shots from each side. I sense her curiosity and wonderment; it’s why I love her presence.

Sue, in her white t-shirt, tanned shorts, and fisherman’s cap now sits under “Big Daddy”, writing or etching as she enjoys the shade of its limbs. She is a spiritual leader, once I asked her what church she attended and she responded, “my church is under a tree.” Today, she looks like a tourist and I immediately imagine she is visiting the Tuscany region of Italy as she, as well, takes in this massive “BD”. Sue tries to take it in by shooting a panoramic video around her. May it convey it’s glory.

The recent rain has blessed this area and all is green, wildflowers blooming, and the various birds chirping like nature’s orchestra to treat us to a chaotic, yet soothing concert. I sit back on the small upper rock patio with my feet up, taking it all in, giving gratitude that I am in company of such splendor along with some of the most amazing women I have gotten to know throughout the years that I have been coming to this quiet retreat, where for hours we can sit in silence. I take in a deep breath, taking in this perfect May Day.

Just six hours ago, I awoke in my bed tossing and turning, my anxiety that I have named “Anastacia” came to visit me, causing me to toss and turn with a platitude of negative thoughts and fears rushing in and out of my head. Laying there in the dark at 4 a.m. in my bed, fleeting thoughts telling me nothing is right, nothing is good. Practicing my intentional breathing, I was finally able to calm my busy mind and soon fell back asleep.

What was bothering me? What filled me with dread and paranoia? What and why do I let her, Anastacia, in on occasion? I must take the time to sit with dear anxious Anastacia and listen to what she has to say, have her tell me in her own words why she is compelled to haunt me?!

For years, I denied her in so many ways. I shut her down by my masking her with alcohol, drugs, and other risky behavior. I refused to see her, hear her, claim her, but now is the time….

“Anastacia, come sit with me under Big Daddy and tell me all your woes. We will let his large shade loom over us as I promise to listen and assure you that indeed all is really well, all is good.”